Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Amazon Sells Some Weird Stuff

Nikki has this gift card for Amazon.com that she got MONTHS ago from her friend Karen that she STILL HASN'T USED. I thought I'd help her decide what to buy by doing a search for good armadillo stuff. (One can never have too many armadillo-related things.) I found your typical things: other (less cute) stuffed armadillos, armadillo jewelry (which Nikki said she wouldn't wear!), tee-shirts that say "Armadillos Rock!" (which Nikki ALSO said she wouldn't wear! What a hater!), and little kid books about how awesome armadillos are. But I also found some really....weird stuff. These were my "favorites."

Armadillo Bites: http://www.amazon.com/Shakespeares-Armadillo-Bites/dp/B004SP5E5Y When I first saw this in the search results, I was horrified. Was Amazon really selling DEAD ARMADILLOS on their website?! I clicked on it, ready to write a scathing "review" of the product when I read the product description: "10 ounces of Fudge Dipped Mini Sandwich Cookies with Toffee Sprinkles." Why in the heck would they be named Armadillo Bites, when armadillos are obviously not made of chocolate and cookies?! Humans are weird.

YuGiOh Gem-Armadillo Card: http://www.amazon.com/YuGiOh-Hidden-Arsenal-Gem-Armadillo-HA05-EN005/dp/B006IDDRYE Ok, this is TOTALLY BADASS!!! YuGiOh is some kind of card game like Pokemon or Magic: The Gathering. (Google them if you're not dorky enough to have heard of them.) I totally want metallic claws and rockets! Obviously, Nikki vetoed my idea of "upgrading" my shell. >:P

ARMADILLO SLIPPERS: http://www.amazon.com/Happy-Feet-Armadillo-Animal-Slippers/dp/B002ZHMA2M This is even more unacceptable than the idea of eating pieces of armadillo! Think of how you'd feel if you saw a stranger walking around wearing the dead bodies of YOUR family members on their feet! Seriously. Go ahead. Picture it. Pretty horrifying, huh?

Home-Grown Maize Armadillo: http://www.amazon.com/Grown-Enesco-Maize-Armadillo-Figurine/dp/B003BXK29C This is the hands-down winner of the Weirdest Armadillo Merchandise Being Sold on Amazon.com. It's a stuffed armadillo...dressed like a corn cob. Who do you even give something like that to?! Who looks at a corn cob armadillo and thinks, "Man! What a great gift! I'll buy one for the whole family!" WEIRDOS. That's who.

Winner of the "Nikki Thinks She's Funny, But She's Really Not" Award: http://www.amazon.com/Hansa-5798-Armadillo-Limited-Edition/dp/B0043WG39I Nikki was peering over my shoulder while I was doing my search and pointed out that this stuffed armadillo was really cute. I scoffed and said that it wasn't as cute as I am, and she responded, "It probably complains less." AS IF!!! I don't complain that much! I mean, when Eva flops on top of me or Tasha starts kneading me, I just go with the flow, you know? I mean, yeah, I *may* bring it up every time Nikki or Steve call them "a good dog" or a "good kitty," like, "Oh yeah, GOOD pets DEFINITELY lay on top of other household members until they can't breathe!" But honestly? It's a TOTALLY VALID point! I'm just saying...I'm way cuter.

Nikki Note: I'm seriously considering buying this armadillo with my gift card, partially out of spite and partially because I think Claire needs to interact with her own kind more often. Unfortunately, due to some facts she read on the internet (which turned out to be true), she's convinced herself that all OTHER armadillos carry leprosy. I don't know that I can deal with her staggering around the house, talking about how her tail is going to fall off. Still, if anyone would like to buy it for me, please feel free to.


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